For Lo in The Butterfly Clues by Kate Ellison, everything is in 3s, 6s, and 9s. Whenever she is nervous or worried she'll tap her thigh nine times, then another nine, then another six, on her right leg, repeating the whole thing again on her left, then again on her right, to make it three reps. Whenever she enters or exits a place, she has to tap three times and whisper "banana", because banana is special. She says it is to "make it even. The universe wanted it that way." She has been doing this ever since her brother Oren died. I think that she has to do this to find a strength in consistency, since she has lost strength so many times before.
When we are young, I think we need this to make sense in the world. When I was little, everything had to be even. If I scratched one leg, I had to scratch the other. At some points, even if my mom brushed past my side, I'd have to do it to the other side, too. I think I did this to find safety in... symmetry. Knowing that whatever happened to one arm would happen to the other, I think I felt a kind of solidarity, if that makes any sense. Like an inner peace thing that one half of me wouldn't just abandon the other half. But once I got older, I realized that I wasn't going to part of myself, but more importantly, people weren't going to leave me either. But Lo doesn't know that yet. She has no one to trust, to talk to, only herself. And she's worried that she'll leave herself, just like everyone else did.
I think that Lo has to tap because she has lost so much after Oren died, she had no more stability. Tapping is something she knows she can always count on, and she can't let herself down. But she has to realize that people like her mom and dad do love her, they just don't know how to show it. And kids at school do care about her, but she has to reach them half way. She has been tapping for so long, she doesn't know that there is another way. But I think that unless she opens her eyes and realizes that there are loving people surrounding her, she's never going to get better.
I understand this so well! This post is really well written, and I can really connect. Even now, if I'm chewing food on one side, I have to start chewing on the other side. I know that's weird, but it's true. I have read other stories about deaths changing people and their antics, and your thinking makes lots of sense. Your last sentence about Lo not being able to get better until she "wakes up" is really powerful. Love it :)
ReplyDeleteOMG MARYA THIS IS SO GOOD. I really understand exactly where you are coming form because I did the same when I was little. This was super well written, and always stayed on focus. The whole time you interpretated Lo from your eyes, and you did a really great job with that. This blog also showed a lot of voice from you, which is great! Your last paragraph was very moving, and thoughtful. Loved it so much! <3
ReplyDeleteGreat Post!!! I definitely get the symmetry thing, I still have problems with that...Your analyzation of Lo was amazing; that she needed to provide stability after the death of her brother. I think after traumatic situations, we all need extra stability. Because of this, Lo feels the need for consistency in everything, and hasn't reached the point of maturity where she can simply rely on people who love her. Amazing work!
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